A Small Confession

So, I have a small confession... After being a stay-at-home mom for 2+ months now, I kinda miss my job as a nurse. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home with Clayton. I have really enjoyed being able to plan things with him (music class, story time, playdates, etc.). I have had more fun with him in the last few months than ever before. I definitely do not want to go back to my previous job. I am perfectly content and feel enormously blessed with the way that things are now. There are, however, some things that I miss about my job.

First of all, I miss that look that people used to give me when I answered the question that everyone always asks, "What do you do for a living?" Whenever I answered, "I am a Pediatric ICU nurse." I felt like people respected that. They always responded with a furrowed brow and a, "Wow, that must be really hard." Now, whenever I answer, "I am a stay-at-home mom." I just don't get the same look. It's more of a raised eyebrows look followed by, "Oh, that's nice..." I'm sure that I am reading too far into that, huh?

I also miss my paychecks. :) Don't get me wrong, Wade makes a really great living and all of our needs (and most of our wants) are totally covered. I just miss looking at the bank account and knowing that I earned part of the money that was coming in. I never felt guilty buying myself clothes or frivolous things, but now I do. Wade is incredibly supportive about me staying at home. I know that he doesn't see it as "his" money at all. But, for some reason I can't get over that....

The final thing that I miss about being a PICU nurse is knowing that, at the end of the day, I had something to show for my work. I had 12 sets of vitals signs (more on a bad night), 12 assessments, and a child that survived another night (despite the fact that they were critically ill). Now days, I feel like I am running around all day long, and rarely have anything tangible to show for it.

I have been pondering all of this for the last few weeks. The other day, I was thinking about this subject during those precious 30 minutes of quiet TV time that Clayton gets after his nap. I was laying on my bed with him and we were watching Diego. He looked up at me and said, "Mommy, you're my best friend." I realized then that money and notoriety really don't matter to me. I will probably never own the latest iPod or wear designer clothes. I may not have a beautiful home with the latest model big screen TV or drive a really nice SUV with all the bells and whistles. I may not get the hottest new purse or wear shoes that cost a small fortune. In fact, I don't have an iPod at all. I buy my clothes at Old Navy or Target. I live in a 1900 square foot rent house. I drive an '03 Honda Accord that has multiple scratches and dings (but will be paid off in August - YEA!). I continue to carry the same purses that I have had for years (none of which cost more than $30). I wear shoes that are not trendy or expensive. I don't have any clout or a high power position in any company. What I do have is a 2-year-old that considers me to be his best friend in the world and an amazing husband that realizes that what I do on a day-to-day basis is a "real" job. That, my friends, is worth more than any amount of money or respect. There will be time to accrue all of those "things" one day, but I can never buy back this time that I am spending with Clayton. So... I am going to step back and learn to be content with the present and not to wish for the future. On the days when Clayton pushes every button that I have, I am going to remember that he is only going to be little for a short time. That is my new goal. ;)